All right, all right. I wasn’t going to do this, but I can’t bottle this up anymore. Let’s talk Bachelor.
Ok, so I watch The Bachelor, ok? It’s not a big deal. I mean, I can quit whenever I want. Is it so wrong of me to want Ben to be happy with Amanda and finally see Olivia as the fake scuzball that she is? Ben deserves better than that manipulative woman, with her honeycomb mouth and whatnot.
Anyway, like I was saying, I can quit whenever I want. There is a popular misconception that The Bachelor is a “gateway” reality show, leading to harder reality show dependence, such as “Keeping up with the Kardashians” or “Little People, Big World”, to use their street names. This is not necessarily true, though dependency to some lesser reality TV has been known, such as watching “COPS”.
So, in short, I could quit, but I am just choosing not to. I hear “the bachelor” thinking that I need to model my bachelor life. Most grown men could live with the thought of dating 20 beautiful women at the same time that fall in love with you even before meeting you. Now, this may come as a surprise to you, but that’s honestly not like my life. If “The Bachelor” was like my life, most of the episode would be me deciding whether to shower or to watch another episode of “Shark Tank”. The remainder of the show would be at Taco Bell.
So basically, don’t try an intervention on me. You may be so tempted as to give me C-SPAN therapy or read me smart books from Stephen Hawking or Stephenie Meyer. Because I want to know whether or not JoJo is gonna make the most of her second chance or if she’s gonna crack under the pressure of being around fartface Olivia. And because I can quit whenever I want.
Our sketch writing competition is in full swing! For those of you wondering the secrets comedians use to write sketches here is the 25 point list we all follow.
1. Grab a pencil and piece of paper.
2. Settle for a pen. (Note: you don’t own any pencils. No one does.)
3. Get frustrated at how slow you are with a pen and piece of paper. Grab laptop.
4. Resist the temptation to watch YouTube videos about cats vs. cucumbers for 3 hours.
5. Begin brainstorming situations. (Ex. What would be funny at school? What would be funny at church? Etc.)
6. Write jokes for each situation.
7. Realize that you only wrote fart jokes.
8. Erase all your work…except the fart joke at church—that one was pretty good.
9. Take a cereal break.
10. Decide between Marshmallow Mateys and Grape Nuts. (Note: you will always choose Marshmallow Mateys. Stop fooling yourself.)
11. Remember you are out of milk.
12. Go back to computer.
13. Stare at the screen for 2 minutes.
14. Check your cell phone. (Note: no one has texted you. And no one wants to text you. Stop fooling yourself.)
15. Brainstorm funny characters. (Ex. Neighbor determined to share food that no one wants, An elephant civil defense lawyer, etc.)
16. Write jokes for each character.
17. Erase the swear words.
18. Realize that you’ve basically replicated Dr. Seuss characters.
19. Question how funny you really are. (Note: you aren’t that funny.)
20. Look to see what kind of jobs you can get given your experience as a self-proclaimed comedian.
(Note: summer sales.)
21. Regret trying to write comedy.
22. Contemplate how your professional and social lives are in shambles. (Note: no one dates self-proclaimed comedians.)
23. Get inspiration for a sketch that is loosely based of your personal problems. (Ex. A guy who goes to a relationship fortuneteller to tell him about his dating future. She explains that it looks bleak.)
24. Add jokes and witty social critique.
25. Watch cats vs. cucumbers.
Did we forget any tips? Comment below what gets your creative juices flowing! And don't forget to submit a sketch into our competition!