All right, all right. I wasn’t going to do this, but I can’t bottle this up anymore. Let’s talk Bachelor.
Ok, so I watch The Bachelor, ok? It’s not a big deal. I mean, I can quit whenever I want. Is it so wrong of me to want Ben to be happy with Amanda and finally see Olivia as the fake scuzball that she is? Ben deserves better than that manipulative woman, with her honeycomb mouth and whatnot.
Anyway, like I was saying, I can quit whenever I want. There is a popular misconception that The Bachelor is a “gateway” reality show, leading to harder reality show dependence, such as “Keeping up with the Kardashians” or “Little People, Big World”, to use their street names. This is not necessarily true, though dependency to some lesser reality TV has been known, such as watching “COPS”.
So, in short, I could quit, but I am just choosing not to. I hear “the bachelor” thinking that I need to model my bachelor life. Most grown men could live with the thought of dating 20 beautiful women at the same time that fall in love with you even before meeting you. Now, this may come as a surprise to you, but that’s honestly not like my life. If “The Bachelor” was like my life, most of the episode would be me deciding whether to shower or to watch another episode of “Shark Tank”. The remainder of the show would be at Taco Bell.
So basically, don’t try an intervention on me. You may be so tempted as to give me C-SPAN therapy or read me smart books from Stephen Hawking or Stephenie Meyer. Because I want to know whether or not JoJo is gonna make the most of her second chance or if she’s gonna crack under the pressure of being around fartface Olivia. And because I can quit whenever I want.
Our sketch writing competition is in full swing! For those of you wondering the secrets comedians use to write sketches here is the 25 point list we all follow.
1. Grab a pencil and piece of paper.
2. Settle for a pen. (Note: you don’t own any pencils. No one does.)
3. Get frustrated at how slow you are with a pen and piece of paper. Grab laptop.
4. Resist the temptation to watch YouTube videos about cats vs. cucumbers for 3 hours.
5. Begin brainstorming situations. (Ex. What would be funny at school? What would be funny at church? Etc.)
6. Write jokes for each situation.
7. Realize that you only wrote fart jokes.
8. Erase all your work…except the fart joke at church—that one was pretty good.
9. Take a cereal break.
10. Decide between Marshmallow Mateys and Grape Nuts. (Note: you will always choose Marshmallow Mateys. Stop fooling yourself.)
11. Remember you are out of milk.
12. Go back to computer.
13. Stare at the screen for 2 minutes.
14. Check your cell phone. (Note: no one has texted you. And no one wants to text you. Stop fooling yourself.)
15. Brainstorm funny characters. (Ex. Neighbor determined to share food that no one wants, An elephant civil defense lawyer, etc.)
16. Write jokes for each character.
17. Erase the swear words.
18. Realize that you’ve basically replicated Dr. Seuss characters.
19. Question how funny you really are. (Note: you aren’t that funny.)
20. Look to see what kind of jobs you can get given your experience as a self-proclaimed comedian.
(Note: summer sales.)
21. Regret trying to write comedy.
22. Contemplate how your professional and social lives are in shambles. (Note: no one dates self-proclaimed comedians.)
23. Get inspiration for a sketch that is loosely based of your personal problems. (Ex. A guy who goes to a relationship fortuneteller to tell him about his dating future. She explains that it looks bleak.)
24. Add jokes and witty social critique.
25. Watch cats vs. cucumbers.
Did we forget any tips? Comment below what gets your creative juices flowing! And don't forget to submit a sketch into our competition!
My name is Bryson. I’m a Divine Comedian. And this is my Story. As I’ve concluded my journey with Divine Comedy, I have pondered and reflected at how much DC has changed and blessed my life.
My first exposure to Divine Comedy was August 2011 when I was a young freshy attending their performance at the Freshman Orientation Saturday Finale! I was blown away. I loved it! I had never experienced such fun, clean, amazing, hilarious, smart comedy before. After the show, they announced auditions and I knew that I wanted to be a part of it.
Tangent: I credit Divine Comedy for me meeting my wife. Let me tell you -
It was the night before I was going to audition and I was at my sister’s apartment practicing my audition piece. She laughs at everything so I knew I needed someone else’s opinion. I opened up the door and a group of girls were walking down the stairs. “Hey, get in here!” I yelled. “Okay!” They responded. So I did my thing and I’m pretty sure they were thinking, “what the freak.” They were pretty weirded out. I’m not gonna lie, my audition was pretty weird, but they liked it (I think). One of those girls was a beautiful girl who I was too scared to talk to (because I had only been home from my mission like 2 weeks and I was still scared to attempt to woo the female-kind). Her and I later became friends, went on one date which was horrible, didn’t talk for like 2 weeks, then started hanging out a lot and then she miraculously started liking me back. We started dating (2 months after we had met), we then got engaged 14 months later, and got married 4 months after that. (Despite what some say, hanging out and being friends actually works).
Back to auditions now. I performed my audition and it surprisingly went very well. I got a call that Friday night inviting me to callbacks the next day. I couldn’t believe it! I was so excited! After a morning of callbacks, they gave us an hour and said that the finalists would be posted on thedoor. Gulp… But then, what do you know? I made it to the Final Audition show! I was boggle-minded. (Fun Fact: 3 of the other 6 finalists were Lauren Meese, Stacey Harkey and Stephen Meek. I know right!) We had to memorize and rehearse an entire show in like 4 hours and we performed it that night. After it was over, I went home. It was late that night when I received the call. James Perry called me and gave me the news. I unfortunately did not make it. He said that they loved me and wanted me to audition next year though. After hanging up, I broke down and sobbed for hours…Just kidding! I didn’t cry. I was pretty bummed but was like, “Hey! There’s always next year!” PS. I really didn’t cry, honest!
A full year of enjoying DC shows passed. It was a great year. My girlfriend at the time (who later became my wifey) went to all the shows with me and we loved it. For whatever reason though, I always sat in that one seat that never got any glowsticks. Everyone around me had glowsticks, but not me! I have so many memories laughing and getting lost in these worlds and situations that DC would create on stage. I was also one of those people who would show up 1.5 hours early to get in line to try to get good seats. I absolutely loved DC and couldn’t wait to audition again and finally be a part of it!
Auditions 2012 came and I was pumped! However, I knew I had to do something better than my previous year’s audition. But what? I came up with some super lame and cheesy superhero monologue thing. The good thing is that they were taking 5 people this year compared to last year’s 2. I did my audition and it did not go well. I was scared. Did I really just mess up my chance to be in DC? It was late Friday night. I was too nervous and worried. It was getting later and later. Last year they called me before midnight. This year it was 1:30 am when I got the call. I barely scraped by and they told me to bring it at callbacks! I got there more nervous and worried than ever. I wanted to stand out, but how? What could I do? I was put in two different groups, both of which I did not do well in. I did not stand out, I did not speak up and I pretty much destroyed myself. The lunch break came; I went to Diana’s apartment and was sad. I told her that I didn’t think I made it. I was beating myself up. I got to the door in the TNRB. I looked and saw that my name was missing from the list. I was distraught. I was crushed. I had failed.
Another year passed. Auditions 2013 approached and I decided that I was not going to audition. Why try? I didn’t make it the other 2 times. They obviously don’t want me. But then I came across a video link on facebook. It was an epic video that DC made to advertise auditions. It pierced my soul; it spoke to my heart. Instantly, I knew I had to audition. I told my wife and she was like, “Noooooo!” She saw how crushed and destroyed I was the year before when I didn’t make it and she did not believe that I had a chance of making it this year. Husbands shouldn’t do this, but I didn’t listen to her. I auditioned! And miraculously, I made it to callbacks and the final audition show without any nerves, stress or worries. I didn’t know if I was gonna make it in, but I felt much more at peace about the whole thing this year compared to the previous two. I was at home with my wife just talking about things when my phone started ringing. Was it gonna be good news? Bad news? I didn’t know… I answered and Stacey’s sad voice was heard. Oh well…at least I tried, but then all of a sudden I heard screams of joy and happiness coming through the phone. Wait, what? I made it? I finally made it into DC!? A Christmas Miracle!!!
So I got into DC. My wife and I couldn’t believe it. Let’s just say, I didn’t know what I got myself into. I didn’t realize how much time, work, sacrifice and dedication it took to prepare for shows and to make Divine Comedy as awesome as it is. It was nuts! But I loved it and it was completely worth it. I’ve learned so much about so many things while being in DC and have made eternal friendships with some amazing people. I cannot express how much I love Divine Comedy and how much it has blessed my life. I have such a connection to what DC is and means to people. To some, we’re just a goofy group doing silly things on stage. To others though, we are a source of happiness, hope and rejuvenation. I’ve been on both sides and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for the cast members before me, the ones I worked with and for the ones to come. They changed my life and I love them. Divine Comedy is a beautiful mystical creature that will continue to make people laugh forever. What they do on the DC stage is truly magical and I’m grateful I was able to be a part of it.
An Oder to......Something. There Must Be Something Positive in There...
It’s black outside, but
Yellow light lets me see the pages in my textbook
And see the inside of my eyelids
And then the pages of my textbook again; a little blurry this time
I should just sleep
In bed. Nice.
Car headlights cast shadows on my wall
That’s not an unwanted visitor in my room, right?
Pull that sheet up a little further, though. Just in case.
My phone vibrates
My phone vibrates
My phone vibrates
Is that my phone?
Where is it?
Oh, there it is
That screen is BRIGHT
What time is it?
Gotta go fast/Gotta go fast
Oh wait, my roommate is still asleep
Gotta be quiet…gotta be quiet
Is my homework under pile of clothes #1 or pile of clothes #2?
Which books did I need for class today?
Ah, there are my converse!
This would be so much easier if I could just turn on the light
Isn’t the sun up yet?
In a land called Draper, Utah approximately 6 years and 3 months ago, a Bryson and his friends started an adventure. They made a list of ridiculous and abnormal things to do that summer including: making a ghetto billboard on the side of a road in the middle of the city, sleeping in the middle of a busy roundabout and not getting caught, and climbing to the top of a factory without falling to one’s death. (Divine Comedy does not encourage or endorse such behavior or activities)
It's that time of year again, THE FALL SHOW IS JUST AROUND THE RIVER BEND!
Err...sorry, that's the wrong Disney film. Awkward...
Do you know what is NOT awkward? Bringing your all time biggest crush to see The Hunchback of BYU. There is simply no way you'd be friendzoned after a date like this.
Stay posted, our online ticket sales will begin next week.
Divine Comedy just had an amazing Auditions weekend. We just want to thank everyone who came out and auditioned. We haven't seen this much talent in a long time (which made the decision even harder, so thanks a lot). We also want to thank our amazing audience that came out. You are the fuel to the humor and we appreciate your love and support towards all who auditioned.
From the 127 people who auditioned we only called back 20. This was an extremely hard decision because of all the talent and funny that we saw, but it had to be done. After a super fun morning of callbacks it was time to choose the finalists. If the first cuts were hard, this one was even more difficult. We decided to take 8. All 8 finalists only had 4.5 hours to memorize, direct and rehearse several sketches in preparation for a full on show that night. It amazes us every year how the finalists do it, but they do! And they did so well! The Audition Show was jam packed, with lines of people flooding out the doors. It was ridiculous and it was awesome! All 8 finalists were sooooo good! They were incredible! Outstanding! Beautiful! Which made everything that much harder. Our hearts began to shatter into thousands of pieces at the thought that we could not take them all.
The time came, and after many hours of deliberation, discussion, pondering and several prayers as a group, we selected the next Divine Comedians. The Spirit filled the room as we knelt in prayer and oh how the tears cascaded down our faces (not all of our faces, but most). We are so grateful that we involve the Lord in the audition process every year because it helps us have peace of heart and mind knowing that it's not using choosing the new members, but Him.
Without further ado, the newest Divine Comedians!
Come watch them perform at our first show of the semester on October 9th and 10th! We'll see you there!
School's back in session and summer is over...sniffle, sniffle. But hopefully you had a blast! Divine Comedy sure did! Let's fill you in on what the gang was up to!
We started the summer off by visiting New York City! We learned lots of new things like:
-Don't look up or you'll seem like a tourist.
-Pedestrians don't obey traffic lights and just cross the street whenever they can.
-Street performers are very talented, but if you're not careful they'll take your money. Poor Kevin...
-Bryson can't do a New Yorker accent to save his life. (It sounds more like a wounded Australian)
-Brad's clothes fit better on Kevin and Matt.
-Matt always disappeared and roamed the streets by himself making all kinds of friends.
-Subways are just trains under the ground.
-To save money eat every meal at 2 Bros Pizza.
-Tori scales to the tops of giant rocks.
-Brad served his mission here.
-If you want cheap name brand accessories, go to China Town and they'll find you.
-A lot of comedy groups aren't that clever because they just rely on inappropriate jokes involving swears and innuendos, but we don't judge.
To finish off the summer, we got ready for Auditions. The end of August, beginning of September is always an exciting time of year because we are looking for new and fresh talent to join Divine Comedy. If you're interested in auditioning for DC, read this page for more information: DC Auditions. If you don't want to audition, come watch for free! We're also having an Audition show on Sept. 5th at 8 PM in TNRB 151 featuring the finalists.
Man! Parking in provo is the absolute worst, am I right? One time I got towed because I was parked at my fiancée's apartment without a permit. Dang it though I couldn't believe my eyes, my car was just gone, it was kind of a traumatic experience, because I had been parking there for months and nothing had happened. It cost me 175 bucks to get my car out of the impound! Oh well, I guess I was naive for expecting a warning, or a less expensive boot, or like a ticket or something... So I learned my lesson, we all have to grow up sometime. I find out later that they have guest parking passes that were valid 'til midnight just magnet-ed to their fridge, so people can take them and put them in their car to be able to visit them. So I grabbed one and put it in my car, so everything was fine....
UNTIL ONE FATEFUL DAY!
I was at Meg's house on a Sunday evening. Meg was Skyping with her mom, we got off skype at 11:55 because I had to go because my parking pass was gonna be up, I get up I grab my stuff and I'm on my way out the door when we hear all this honking, we were kind of annoyed like... who is honking so late, so loud and repetitively? just a bunch of hooligans right? no. it was freaking batman. 11:58 they started honking and we started to hear what the were yelling, "tow! tow! tow!". That truck was getting ready to take my car away, but those vigilantes had parked right in front of him, blocking his escape from the minuscule parking lot. I got towed just the week before. I run down there and by 12:00 he already had the claw thing behind my back two wheels and was just about to hoist it up onto his truck. He kept telling me it was 12:01 and that I still had to pay! what the heck? I got upset with him because I couldn't afford another 175$, especially not for following the rules. Things got way tense! Then Meg got all sad and almost started tearing up, and asked him gently, "please" I really admire that man for humbling himself and letting us go amidst some hostile vigilantes and an upset victim, but also... he was clearly wrong... and he couldn't possibly have gotten out of that parking lot with those kids there! hahahaha!
come on guys... whatever happened to parking tickets? boots? Freedom? Justice? AMERICA!?
Chances are, if you’re reading this post, either:
1. You are a DC cast or crew member (let’s be honest, I’m pretty sure we’re 90% of the readership of this blog)
2. You might be half as susceptible to clickbait as I am.
I don’t know what it is, but Buzzfeed just knows how to get me on their site. 20 things I’ve got to do in my 20s? 9 ways I’ll know chocolate is my favorite flavor? 7 Disney princesses most likely to date the characters of the Avengers??? (Bruce Banner and Belle are clearly #1 by the way) I’ve simply got to know.
The best are the “He buys her roses and gets on one knee… and you won’t believe what happens next” videos. It’s obvious what happens: he proposes. But for some reason every time I expect something crazy to transpire, and watch the clip anyway. I guess it’s just that I’m gullible. I’m talking afraid-to-eat-Gushers-as-a-kid-because-my-head-would-turn-into-a-fruit gullible. (But come on, who doesn’t hear the poor boy in this video screaming, “Help me man!”)
It gets worse. I once cried at a friends 12th birthday party because when the magician/clown said he was going to to turn me into a cow for milk to make a magic cake, I actually believed him. Turns out I just needed to moo, but I thought I was literally turning into a one cow wife. (ba da chhhhh)
To top it off, on my 8th birthday I got a subscription to Astronomy magazine, and in reading one of the satirical articles without understanding the satire, I somehow believed—for a year—that 6-fingered, Rachmaninoff-playing, wormhole-travelling aliens had already visited Earth. I was amazed that I never heard about it in the news until I figured out the truth.
Anyways, I’ve got to go so I can work on my fanfiction, Beauty and the Hulk: Carrying the Banner. But what about you guys? What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever fallen for? Tell me in the comments below, and one of you will win an ALL EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO CANCUN!!!! (Just kidding. But tell me anyways!)